Raw
She asked a question
That cut my onion
And I saw there deep layers accreted
Around a boy crouched at the core,
Rocking himself weeping raw.
To love is to be abandoned,
He warns,
First by yourself
And then by the other.
Leaving rubble and scorn.
The onion stings my eyes
A salt knife cuts back skin
To release the festering
Hidden ‘neath functioning form
It will be worth it
If I survive it
Grow larger than that boy could dream
Digest, compost, his fear-fueled schemes
To love is to crack the shell
And whisk your yokes together
In fear I tried
To climb back inside
My broken cage
Mopping up my self with stale bread
In empty rage.
Self love at a low ebb tide
Insecurities tangle my mind
Like weeds in the wet hot wild
Old stories whisper in my ears
She will tire of your tears
Find a better man to love
Images of entangled bedsheets
On which they two are lain
I reap a masochistic pleasure
From my ravening tender pain.
Reach out for connection
I feel unworthy to claim
And grasping, lose her love
Stuck between two instincts
Nervous system tightly wound
One foot on the accelerator
One to the brake is bound.
Why am I cracking open
This cupboard of old mess,
Putting myself through this process?
I wade through the Nile swamp
Risk drowning
To reclaim my fractured heart
It got smashed into pieces
Buried secret far apart
I must be my own Isis
Searching, mending, binding
And with a kiss, restarting.
The time is, Osiris,
Almost ripe, to reap a different
Harvest.
Healing hurts.
Seeking help to rebuild
Solid foundations with skills
I didn’t have before.
I will meet you deeply from my core
From a boy smiling and secure
Stable in himself and curious to explore.
And all of this will pass
I will break through
Back to clean love at last
Murky swamp water will sweeten to a
Clear pool reflecting stars
Shining back everything I really am
Underneath my scars.
Joe Blogs, Mar. 2023